My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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