i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You took a bar mat shot.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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