I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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