no, he came in my armpit
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
