Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
