it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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