I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
