none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
