he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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