She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
