Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
