hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
