Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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