You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize