I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
