That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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