I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
