if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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