who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
