Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
