i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
