dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
