You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
