There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
