My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
