I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Soap is not a condiment
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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