i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize