she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
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