how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
