Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
