i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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