I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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