You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
