His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
