'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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