I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
