I saw his package. It spoke to me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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