I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
