It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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