right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize