Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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