She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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