I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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