New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize