...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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