I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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