im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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