I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
