If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
