just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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