"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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