I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
