I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize