I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
