if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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