there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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