i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
