I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
