you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
