I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
