i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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