it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
