Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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