The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
