dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
