I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
