I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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