On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize